All the signs say she did too much ...

Good gracious, I am overly sensitive these past two days. I can only conclude that in preparing for and celebrating Christmas that I overdid by more than half. Whew! Everything is an assault against my senses. The brush of my hands or clothing against my skin leaves me feeling raw. Odd personal sounds and personality quirks are nothing less than fingernails against a chalkboard. I was telling my husband that it is as though all of my energy goes to keeping the pain at bay.  I have nothing to spare for drowning out and ignoring the various sensory assaults we go through every minute of every hour of every day.  I hurt from the tips of my fingernails to the tops of my feet and everywhere in between. Strangely enough, even my scalp hurts at the roots of my hair.  My niece used to say that her hair hurt when it was brushed,  I know how she felt. 

God, I wish I could drown it out and just not notice for thirty minutes.  It doesn't seem like that much to ask. Is it?

What's worse?

Having a name to put to this feeling-awful-all-the-time is helpful: fibromyalgia. It puts things into perspective. I know that I can "ignore" the pains - I am not injured ... or whatever ... no matter how it feels. At least a name takes away some of the worry, that relieves the stress, which, in theory, should help with the pain.

I struggle with figuring out what is the worst thing.

• Is it the involuntary - sometimes controllable, sometimes not - muscle twitches: all the time and worse when I try to relax or am tired?  
• Is it the sheer exhaustion all the time: the feeling that I just didn't rest or sleep well no matter how long I was asleep. 
• The pain? In the end pain is just a feeling.  I like to say, "I was in labor for three days and gave birth without the benefit of medication." I am not afraid of pain.  It's what the pain signifies that is a problem.  Still, when you are in pain - as bad as the later stages and the end of labor: so bad you are stopped in your tracks and can't speak - all the time, that becomes difficult to deal with. Pain medication (acetametaphin, ibuprophen, naproxen) doesn't really even cut the pain; unless you take so much it becomes dangerous. Even then, it's still there.
• Is it the foggy-headedness? or the inability to find the right word or sentence to express even the simplest thoughts?
• Perhaps, it's the fall in physical ability.  Where once, I attended tae kwon do class twice a week, practiced outside of class, went to the gym 4-5 days a week, and thought nothing of walking/running a 10K, now three minutes - just three minutes - on Wii Fit winds me. Ten minutes of boxing (13 Wii Fit minutes) is more than I can bear.  Until this thing hit, I was well on my way to a black belt, and now I can't even make it through the warm up.  Walking on the tread mill for 15 mins (no incline, 2 mph) is so painful, I am in tears. A year ago, I was walk/running at a level four, random hills, at over 4 mph for 45-60 mins.  Even thinking about it makes me want to sob.
• I don't know.  It's all of those things, and more, depending on the day, what I am doing, or what I need to do.

Most days, I get one thing - only one thing - other than my work.  There may be days where I don't even get that: prepare dinner, exercise ("I know it hurts, but you must exercise. It will (eventually) make you feel better." - Thanks, I'd love to. How, exactly, am I supposed to do that?! Pray tell.), homework with the boys, something for me (forget that, I don't get that), housework (sigh).

I just want this gone. Failing that, a way to move forward. To live my life as I've dreamed - or even just normal, I guess. I am not afraid of pain, but the exhaustion is killing me. How do you pace yourself when the responsibilities don't go away? People give advice so blithely. Help on how to take it could be welcome.

Tiredly yours,

Answers?

I've been looking for answers a long time.  I've documented troubles with an allergy that isn't an allergy in my Portrait of a Dairy Allergy that isn't actually an allergy.  Never mind that it acts just like an allergy with my respiratory reaction.  Forget that it knocks me out like I have the flu for 2 weeks. I've also hinted at the new normal.  It's scattered among the pages of this multi-linked blog – set up much like my hyper-networked brain.

It seems that I may now have answers, however unsatisfactory those answers might be.  It turns out that I apparently have fibromyalgia.  Now to figure out what to do about it.  There aren't many good answers or suggestions that are easy to implement, but I am nothing if not tenacious. It will be difficult to determine what is fibromyalgia related and how much is my ADHD.  And all I want to do is get my stuff done: tae kwon do, writing, whatever crazy thing is in my brain.

Now to find my solutions.